Well. Just wanted to comment on something that was said to me today. I was asked, “why do you do so much for people who don’t acknowledge you, never see/speak to you, or know you even exist?”.
This wasn’t the first person to say it to me and as usual I just laughed it off to change the subject. Well, because let’s be honest what answer are you looking for with a condescending fucking question like that?
Let me be clear here. My time, energy, and effort that I’ve actually put into most people who “acknowledge” me and know I “exist” don’t know how to handle it. They disrespect it. They’re afraid of it. They run away from it. That’s not all of them, but a vast majority.
So, why not put my energy and effort into something or someone I enjoy even if I’m not getting perks from it?
That’s what’s wrong with a lot of people. You feel entitled to too much. You’re not. Just like I’m not entitled to receive the same energy and effort that I put out, back. I’ve stopped expecting anything in return not because I’m bitter or scorned…whatever you kids call it these days. I’m a person and yep I have feelings! I don’t expect anything because everything I do for another person or thing is purely for my own joy and happiness.
Do I put in more effort and energy in than I should? Sure. Would I rather waste (I like to use “take advantage of”) my time on someone or something that has no clue of my E&E vs. Someone or something that DOES and still chooses to ignore or disrespect it? Of fucking course. /vent
I’m sad as fuck. I just turned 24. Twenty mother fucking four.
(warning: you may just want to skip to my summary at the bottom)
That’s scary. I’ve always been the one to want to never get old, well besides the times I was younger and was hindered by not being old enough to do certain things. It’s inevitable and I need to suck it up. I always joke about wanting to get married and have children, but yeah I’m scared of that shit too. I’m seriously a little girl stuck inside of a 24 year old’s body. I can’t sleep anymore because I worry too damn much about my age and what I should be doing. I keep saying I’m doing awesome because I’m single with no kids and I’m getting my shit together. That’s really not enough for my standards. Don’t get me wrong my bills get paid, I have nice things, and I have a cool job…..but there’s way more to me than just living a normal life. I’ve got to get out of this state, hell…this coast, shit maybe even this country. I don’t feel what’s meant for me is here. I think too god damn much. I’m always worried about what my actions past, present, and future will end up meaning for me. I over think entirely too much. All I know right now is that I’ve got to refocus. My whole year of 23 I spent worried about a god damn boy that gave two fucks about my well being. It’s cool now, I’m over it the situation has left me. I’m at peace knowing his journey is much different than mine and no matter what I would ever do it would never be able to help him figure out his way. Good luck to him, seriously. In turn though, I’ve come to realize I’ve got this sick ass journey of my own and not a damn person is going to be able to help me with it. Corny as it sounds, that whole “you came into the world alone and you’ll leave alone” is partially right. I’m the only person who can make my mark on the world. Seriously. Shit is scary.
In retrospect, before my hell of dating an emotionally unavailable man on and off for a year…I too was emotionally unavailable from past relationships molding me that way. It’s not healthy. AT ALL. I realized how apathetic I was towards anyone who showed me the least bit of attention. Going through that whole ordeal made me vulnerable as fuck. I searched for someone who was even more emotionally unavailable than me so I could make myself feel BETTER! Who even does that?! That’s sick and twisted. I enjoyed it though, not even going to lie. Again, I’m a needy attention seeking little girl stuck in a 24 year old’s body. Boo-hoo I’m a big baby. I have a bad savior complex where I feel like I need to save all the sad depressed heartbroken men in the world. It explains why all my relationships turn out so shitty, because I haven’t been in a real relationship since the guy I was going to marry…and I ended up breaking up with him because I got…you guessed it…scared as shit. He was really the nicest guy I’ve ever dated. Whatever I wanted I got, funny enough though…our relationship was long distance. Men make me nervous, and that’s just a bad tick from when I was a child that has always stuck with me. I find long distance relationships are easier for me because I don’t have to deal with the reality of someone always being around. I have a fear of men leaving me. That’s why I usually for the most part shut down if I’m interested in a guy, because who likes rejection?…or worse…to be used? It doesn’t happen often that I like anyone either. I’m picky as FUCK. If Ramona Flowers and Knives Chau were one person, that’d be me. I’d fight myself over Scott. I get too nervous to ever really get to know a guy or be around one long enough to pick up on his personality or quirks, but my GOD if I choose you Pikachu…there is no turning back. You’ve gotta be hella smart, hella weird, and have bad humor. Damn that is quite the mix. I could be lowkey heavy obsessed and you will never know. Obsessive personality is a blessing and a curse I tell you. That’s why I’m choosing to work on it. I don’t want to shut out anyone anymore, but I also don’t want to be so vulnerable I just get run over. Whatever happens, happens. There’s no rush on commitment. I’m happy with just living in the moment. I’m focused on me again. I do what I want, when I want, and HOW I want. That whole emotionally unavailable shit is for the birds. Even though emotionally unavailable men are so stinking attractive. Why do you guys look so good while showing disinterest?! Ha! Honestly though, I’m making an effort. I’ll bury myself in some things this year, but I’m also going to work on being more open.
Eventually I hope to just be content with my lifestyle and the people around me. I surround myself with very few people because I HATE most people within minutes of meeting them. I won’t look into your eyes if I don’t trust you either. There’s way too many different personalities and the amount of people who don’t have things in common with me are out the roof. I don’t hang with many people all the time because they bring this level of stress and drama into my life that I do not want. I don’t do drama. I do shit alone almost ALWAYS. I don’t WANT to do it alone, but I’m happier being lonely and doing what I want rather than someone who has a shitty personality with nothing but negativity or stupidity around me. I need GOOD VIBES ONLY. Just stay focused and positive, and don’t sweat the little shit. There is far greater pain in the world than the things most people complain about in daily life. Enjoy the small shit! Go outside, read a book, relax! Surround me with hope, excitement, and joy. MAKE ME WANT TO BE AROUND YOU! I want to be around people who think like me, who live life like me, who don’t judge everyone for every and any little thing.
I guess this is my rant.
To summarize, I’m old at the age of 24. I hope to die peacefully and quick before I become really old(40). I was emotionally unavailable only wanting emotionally unavailable men, but now I’m making myself emotionally available while looking for someone who doesn’t have mommy or daddy issues. Bring your posi vibes near me, I need that.
and boy do I have some writing for you.
Anonymous asked: so why arent you buying Kiss Land? not an Abel fan any longer?
Jokes. I joke. Smh, so literal. Lighten up you guys.
Anonymous asked: does ya pussy taste like vanilla milkshake?
what in the hell LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Everything applies to me…even the wack motivational crap.
Anonymous asked: It breaks my heart to read your post about your situation with your ex thing. I went through a similar thing this year. I feel for a guy hard, and he made me believe he wanted to be with me just as much. When in the end I was just there to fill a void he didn't know how to fill anyway else. Believing a man who tells you they love you, care for you, and only want you is hard. When we left them in that speaks louder than anything we would ever verbally say. Keep your head up girl. It gets better.
Thanks for the encouragement! I’m working through it trying to get back to my happy place. Focusing more on the good and happy things that I got out of it and how extremely excited I am to have that again some day in the future! I hope you’re alright, thanks for the taking the time to read it :)